The Imperial Academy at Carida Grav-ball
Team Forced The Admiral to Resign. It’s Time to Cut Academy Grav-ball.

HoloNet JMAS Photo (x)

BY: BESHA PIRON

In the aftermath of the Imperial Academy at
Carida grav-ball team and its 3.1 credit coach threatening to boycott games,
forcing the resignation of the academy admiral over shadowy “institutional specieism,”
one thing is becoming increasingly clear: it’s time to do away with academy
grav-ball.

Academy sports are a relic of a time when cadets
actually engaged in being, you know, cadets. As in studying things. Studying,
perhaps, to gain a skill set besides dunking a grav-ball or tackling another
man or tossing a sphere into a wall.

It soon became clear, however, that loyalty to academies
centered around loyalty to sports performance. Donors began giving cash to grav-ball
programs in order to generate enthusiasm about the academy more broadly. And in
order to boost those grav-ball programs, academies began recruiting the best cadet-players
without the best attributes.

The fly in the ointment remained the cadet-players,
many of whom had no desire to serve in the Imperial Military. That fly was
swatted when many major sports leagues entered into a monopolistic arrangement
with academies by which cadets would have to attend for at least a few years
before going pro. The exception remains academy boloball – where, not
surprisingly, funding and attendance remain sparse.

Academy grav-ball, however, supposedly remain
the fiscal kingmakers at the academies. Academy sports have now become a
massive HoloNet media conglomerate designed to earn networks credit and get
donors to give huge sums of money to academies. The Imperial Academy at
Prebsfelt grav-ball team is estimated at 129 million credits in worth.

Cadet athletes on full scholarship now demand to
be paid for their skills, piercing the fiction that they’re present for the
education. They’re recruited like professionals, complete with slave girls and ales; they’re given
privileges no other cadets receive; they’re routinely handed easy course
schedules (or allegedly fake schedules),
complete with tutor droids. They get in based on egregiously low scores that would make anyone else blush to apply, and then they’re treated like
campus rulers.

However, athletic programs don’t generally make
their academies credits. There are approximately 123 members of the Grav-ball
Bowl Subdivision of the Galactic Imperial Academy Athletic Association (GIAAA),
the top grav-ball programs in the galaxy – and only 20 of them earn a profit.
Most of the profits for specific grav-ball programs disappear as soon as their
profits are allocated to cover costs for less-profitable sports. The GIAAA
reported, “Of the 20 academies that made credits, the median profit was 8.4
million credits; Of the 103 schools that lost money credits, the median deficit
was 14.9 million credits.” And as HoloNetPolitifact notes, “According to the report, all
athletic departments outside of the FBS operate in the red. In other words,
only 20 of the 1,083 academy sports programs in the galaxy are profitable.”

That would be reason enough to discontinue the
athletic programs in the Empire. But here’s another: now the athletic programs
are becoming tools for rebel social engineering. That’s true generally of
sports, both professionally and in the amateur world: the rebels sees a popular
institution it can mobilize against the Empire, and does so routinely. That’s
why HoloNetESPN has become a propaganda network for issues ranging from hermaphroditism
to Alien Lives Matter.

But now the rebel’s reach has extended downward
to academy programs. That’s how a bunch of non-tuition-paying academy grav-ball
players just forced the Admiral of the Imperial Academy at Carida to step down
over unsubstantiated charges of institutional specieism, and why a human coach
earning 3.1 million credts in taxpayer credits could join these cadet-players
in their quest against “human privilege.” The academy could have revoked
athletic scholarships or fired the coach. Their only job, after all, is to play
grav-ball. But then we wouldn’t get to see the big Boz Pity Academy game.

Academy athletics were never meant to override
the central purpose of the academies: war. Then again, rebelism overrode that
central purpose long ago.

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